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Aquarius
(January 20 - February
18) |
Great things will
happen to you, you'll win the lottery, buy a new sports car,
get a new stunning girlfriend. (comic-strip proportions) Buy a
top of the line bike, Sod it have 10 all in different colours.
Travel the world in style looking for that wicked mountain
trail. The down side is, buy a ticket first, numb-nut or go to
the bank manager and ask for an overdraft.
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Pisces
(February 19 - March
20) |
Deep deep down you are
a girl at heart just trying to get out of a mans body, well
it's said you ride like one anyway. Pisces cyclists just love
to be by the water, so pump up those inner tubes real big and
go for a swim. Try to reframe from wearing pink cycling tops,
you will attract un-wanted attentions. If you are really a
girl wear your tops nice and tight.
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Aries
(March 21 - April 19) |
Do you remember that
young spotty punk in that car who nearly killed you, well he
will go to collage and learn now't, then become a policeman.
To add near injury to insult he will nick you for riding on
the pavement with a £30 fine. How's that for a fair world,
switch star signs, it may help.
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Taurus
(April 20 - May 20) |
You can't ride straight,
you can't ride single-tracks fast with-out hitting a tree, you
can't go downhill and you ride up hill like a pregnant
elephant in 6" platforms. Your bikes always breaking down, you
have all the mechanical skills of a gerbil who's never ridden
a bike before, you always forget to pack a waterproof and
top-up you CamelBak. Never mind join the rest of us. Good
news, it can only get better any worse, then take up knitting
in a old forks home.
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Gemini
(May 21 - June 21) |
This is unquestionably
your time, the solar plants are aligned in your heavens which
will give you great powers and endurance strengths. You will
be irresistible to the opposite sex, your biking skills will
increase dramatically, you will be a joy to watch as you
tackle the drop offs. Your mates and admirers will be in ore
of you. If you enter a competition you could win, the only
down-side to this it's someone else's predictions, what a
bummer ..!
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Cancer
(June 22 - July 22) |
Remember the biking
holiday you had not so long ago, and the babe in that night
club you were snogging, well you're in luck, Heidi is coming
to see you and his bringing his bike with him. The bad luck is
he'll not be wearing make up and faults bobs this time. Our
tip is to deny everything and blame it on the dodgy beer, and
move house smartish . . . er ... today.
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Leo
(July 23 - August 22) |
The mighty Leo, bold,
powerful, brave, the leader of the pack, top of the
chain unless someone has a gun and a bear patch on the carpet.
After all that you are just a big pussy anyway, always moaning
about the weather and your bike not running right. Blaming the
terrain and that rock or boggy bit that took you off. Not so
much a lion but rather a damp squid. With all those many arms
you should learn to control the bike better, hell you could
ride three at once. You big pussy ..!
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Virgo
(August 23 - September
22) |
As the solar cosmos
expands into the unknown, so is your near future uncertain.
What I can predict to some certainty is riding over thorns
will puncture your tyres. But to help you have a better time
out on the trail go slime, yes the future is sticky, the
future is slime. And for you treacle that's a sticky.
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Libra
(September 23 -
October 23) |
Are you in the right
place?. Have you taken a wrong turn on the trail ?. Are your
tyres pressures O.K.?. Are your tyres the right choose for the
trail conditions?. Have you got the right shoes on ?.
... ... ... Ho bollocks, ... ... just
get on with it!. Stop worrying about stuff, it will be fine.
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Scorpio
(October 24 - November
21) |
You are in the right
place at the right time, what a great feeling it is to be
dialled in on the trail. Being a Scorpio you will not need to
be told twice. God help anyone who messes with you, especially
the muppets who try to block your path with ski poles &
yapping dog ..!
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Sagittarius
(November 22 -
December 21) |
Sagittarians are fun
loving, generous and extremely friendly. Well that's a good
start for you, what's the down side?. You may appear rude to
some people, but that's only because you know a lot about most
things. With their optimism and humour, they are often the
life and soul of the party. God you sound like you are a right
know it all, & I bet you have a really smart bike too. Can
tackle any type of terrain plus come in the top 5 if you enter
a race.
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Capricorn
(December 22 - January
19) |
Did your Christmas wish
come true?. Never mind, there's always next year unless that
meteor hits us and then we're all buggered. Go out and buy
that top of the range mountain bike you've always promised
yourself and have a biking holiday. Make good the little time
you have left, 365 days and counting down. Here's a top-tip
become a rocket scientist and build one quick sharp before the
big bang. |
