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Aquarius
(January 20 - February 18) |
Great things will happen to you,
you'll win the lottery, buy a new
sports car, get a new stunning
girlfriend. (comic-strip proportions)
Buy a top of the line bike, Sod it
have 10 all in different colours.
Travel the world in style looking for
that wicked mountain trail. The down
side is, buy a ticket first, numb-nut
or go to the bank manager and ask for
an overdraft.
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Pisces
(February 19 - March 20) |
Deep deep down you are a girl at heart
just trying to get out of a mans body,
well it's said you ride like one
anyway. Pisces cyclists just love to
be by the water, so pump up those
inner tubes real big and go for a
swim. Try to reframe from wearing pink
cycling tops, you will attract
un-wanted attentions. If you are
really a girl wear your tops nice and
tight.
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Aries
(March 21 - April 19) |
Do you remember that young spotty punk
in that car who nearly killed you,
well he will go to collage and learn
now't, then become a policeman. To add
near injury to insult he will nick you
for riding on the pavement with a £30
fine. How's that for a fair world,
switch star signs, it may help.
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Taurus
(April 20 - May 20) |
You can't ride straight, you can't
ride single-tracks fast with-out
hitting a tree, you can't go downhill
and you ride up hill like a pregnant
elephant in 6" platforms. Your bikes
always breaking down, you have all the
mechanical skills of a gerbil who's
never ridden a bike before, you always
forget to pack a waterproof and top-up
you CamelBak. Never mind join the rest
of us. Good news, it can only get
better any worse, then take up
knitting in a old forks home.
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Gemini
(May 21 - June 21) |
This is unquestionably your time, the
solar plants are aligned in your
heavens which will give you great
powers and endurance strengths. You
will be irresistible to the opposite
sex, your biking skills will increase
dramatically, you will be a joy to
watch as you tackle the drop offs.
Your mates and admirers will be in ore
of you. If you enter a competition you
could win, the only down-side to this
it's someone else's predictions, what
a bummer ..!
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Cancer
(June 22 - July 22) |
Remember the biking holiday to had not
so long ago, and the babe in that
night club you were snogging, well
you're in luck, Heidi is coming to see
you and his bringing his bike with
him. The bad luck is he'll not be
wearing make up and faults bobs this
time. Our tip is to deny everything
and blame it on the dodgy beer, and
mover house today.
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Leo
(July 23 - August 22) |
The mighty Leo, bold, powerful, brave,
the leader of the pack, top of the
chain unless someone has a gun and a
bear patch on the carpet. After all
that you are just a big pussy anyway,
always moaning about the weather and
your bike not running right. Blaming
the terrain and that rock or boggy bit
that took you off. Not so much a lion
but rather a damp squid. With all
those many arms you should learn to
control the bike better, hell you
could ride three at once. You big
pussy ..!
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Virgo
(August 23 - September 22) |
As the solar cosmos expands into the
unknown, so is your near future
uncertain. What I can predict to some
certainty is riding over thorns will
puncture your tyres. But to help you
have a better time out on the trail go
slime, yes the future is sticky, the
future is slime. And for you treacle
that's a sticky.
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Libra
(September 23 - October 23) |
Are you in the right place?. Have you
taken a wrong turn on the trail ?. Are
your tyres pressures O.K.?. Are your
tyres the right choose for the trail
conditions?. Have you got the right
shoes on ?. ...
... ... Ho bollocks, ...
... just get on with it!. Stop
worrying about stuff, it will be fine.
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Scorpio
(October 24 - November 21) |
You are in the right place at the
right time, what a great feeling it is
to be dialled in on the trail. Being a
Scorpio you will not need to be told
twice. God help anyone who messes with
you, especially the muppets who try to
block your path with ski poles &
yapping dog ..!
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Sagittarius
(November 22 - December 21) |
Sagittarians are fun loving, generous
and extremely friendly. Well that's a
good start for you, what's the down
side?. You may appear rude to some
people, but that's only because you
know a lot about most things. With
their optimism and humour, they are
often the life and soul of the party.
God you sound like you are a right
know it all, & I bet you have a really
smart bike too. Can tackle any type of
terrain plus come in the top 5 if you
enter a race.
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Capricorn
(December 22 - January 19) |
Did your Christmas wish come true?.
Never mind, there's always next year
unless that meteor hits us and then
we're all buggered. Go out and buy
that top of the range mountain bike
you've always promised yourself and
have a biking holiday. Make good the
little time you have left, 365 days
and counting down. Here's a top-tip
become a rocket scientist and build
one quick sharp before the big bang. |
